Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The four things necessary to become a man are:
-Write a novel
Does it need to be published? Does it need to be good? I could pump out a novel in a week. It would be horrible and contain a lot of typos, but I could do it. To prove it, I’ll come up with a plot right now.
A writing prompt website gave me this to start with:
“The story starts when your protagonist is charged with jaywalking. Another character is a marksman who always ignores the facts.”
This is perfect given the old adage, “write about what you know.” I hate crosswalks. As for a marksman that ignores all the facts? Maybe he and the protagonist meet jaywalking and the protagonist needs someone murdered? He wouldn’t be a very good marksman if he ignored ALL of the facts (ex. The distance to his target, windage, etc...). He would also be a dangerous friend if he ignored all the facts of gun safety. These are all issues to be dealt with in due time. Will it win me a Pulitzer Prize? Unlikely. Could I write it? Definitely.
-Father a son
I’m not sure if this just means to sire the child. If so, I’m all for it! I’m willing to keep trying until the desired outcome is accomplished. If I have to raise the son, then the story changes. I would be inclined to wait a while (decades even) before I undertook this portion.
It’s estimated to cost $300,000 dollars to raise a child into adulthood. That is so many pairs of shoes I could buy. I haven’t even gotten my ABS brakes fixed because I prefer to buy clothes. The opportunity cost of having a child at this point just doesn’t seem worth it. And if I’m jeopardizing my life to improve Nike’s bottom-line, then maybe I’m not the best candidate for a parent right now. But, I’d probably still do a better job than Jessica Simpson’s dad who is constantly telling her how sexy she is.
-Fight a bull
I don’t really want to fight a bull, if this is meant in the traditional sense. They just stab it a bunch and it gets tired. Then they drive a sword through its shoulder blades and into it's heart. This isn’t OK with me for a few reasons.
1. Kinda OCD about getting my hands dirty. I imagine matadors get a lot of blood on their hands. Can’t do it. Too slippery. Too gross.
2. I’ll feel sad for a bull. Unless it hurt me, then I wouldn’t feel sad at all. If someone wanted me to kill a bull without remorse, just convince me that they are a customer service representative for my cell phone company.
Am I worried about my personal safety? No, that wouldn't be very manly. Also, an uncited statistic on yahoo answers said only 21% of matadors get hurt and the poster's avatar looked pretty trustworthy.
-Plant a tree
Easy! I might just knock this one out this weekend. Take my first step toward becoming a man. I think a day's work is a justifiable cost for a lifetime of smugly masculine superiority.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Epiphany #1 - How to use a dog to get a bomb on a plane
Strangely, with all the additional airline security following 9/11, I don’t feel any safer. Being Caucasian and middle-income, I think it goes without saying that I’m a worrywart. How do I cope? I think of every conceivable way to kill myself and advertise those methods in hopes that a government official will hear it somehow and put some ineffective method in place to protect me. So, without further ado… The Dog Bomb. My friend originally came up with the idea of using a dog as a bomb, I just improved it. I think his plan included feeding the dog explosives. Amateur!
What you’ll need:
-Small breed dog
Find a small breed dog. For this example, I’ve included a picture of a Norfolk terrier. It helps if you can figure out the religious leanings of the dog. If it’s a Buddhist dog, it may not want to become a martyr by sacrificing its body to be used as a walking bomb.
Spend a year or two getting it really, really fat. Let it drink chocolate milk instead of water and feed it bacon. Not Beggin Strips, but straight up Bacon. And, whatever you do, DO NOT walk it.
Once it’s sufficiently plump, work it out. Take that dog to fat camp and slim it down. Nothing but water, dog food, and running. Even when you’re tired of running, put it on a treadmill.
Once the dog is skinny again, it should have a bunch of loose skin. Surgically implant C4 where fat used to be. I chose C4 because Wikipedia.com said this about its advantages:
“A major advantage of C4 is that it can easily be molded into any desired shape. C4 can be pressed into gaps, cracks and voids in buildings, bridges, equipment or machinery. Similarly, it can easily be inserted into empty shaped charge cases of the type used by military engineers.
C4 is very stable and insensitive to most physical shocks. Detonation can only be initiated by a combination of extreme heat and a shock wave, as when a detonator inserted into it is fired. C4 cannot be detonated by a gunshot or by dropping it onto a hard surface. It does not explode when lit on fire or exposed to microwave radiation.”
Then sew the dog up and wait. Once inside the dog, it’s a cake walk. Most planes will allow small breeds into the cabin. Just shave your beard and, if it’s a female dog, take off her headscarf to dispel suspicions. If anyone pets the dog and questions is unusual tumescence, just say that it's gassy.
Epiphany #2 – I could never do that
I could never, ever, turn a dog into a bomb. And I don’t think a religious extremist could either. I’ve been looking at pictures and videos of puppies all day, and it’s hard to do anything, let alone hurt it.
Don't hurt em! Some of em are toooo sleepy and some are toooo shy and some of them have little button noses and some of them have soft little ears. They're cuddly and they just want to be friends. don't do anything mean to puppies. They don't deserve it, terrorists!